J. Kevin Butcher's Blog

I have a close friend [I’ll call her N] who just entered hospice a few days ago.  This after months and months of praying, more than once following the clear instruction of Jesus’ half-brother James about the elders and anointing and the prayer of faith that promises to heal the sick.  Now…hospice.  And I just don’t understand.

Don’t lecture me about “the will of God”.  I get it.  I understand that every human prayer by default must end with “nevertheless, not my will but Your will be done.”  Of course, this might be one of those times when the Father says, “I’ve got another plan.  Trust Me.”  But lately it feels to me like He has been saying, “I’ve got another plan” a lot…especially when it comes to physical healing.

And don’t even tell me we need more faith.  There has been enough faith for a dozen healings.  N herself has trusted the Father with a deep, childlike, persistent faith all the way through her illness.  And I’ve been in prayer sessions for N where faith was literally dripping from the mouths and hearts of those praying…dripping from the ceiling and the walls and the furniture as the brothers and sisters groaned for the pain of their wounded sister, begging the Father to heal, believing that He could heal and would heal.  Don’t…don’t even start with me about more faith.

So, what do I do?  And what do those around N do, who love her and love God and base their entire lives on His goodness and power and plan for all of us?  Do I stop believing in God?  Do I stop believing in His love and goodness?  Do I stop believing in His power?  I have considered all these options over the years in similar situations that made no sense to me and that angered me and actually, frankly, embarrassed me for my God.  I have considered all these options in the past…and have considered them all in this situation with my friend…for about 30 seconds.

Call me naive.  Call me gullible.  Call me an idiot.  But even when I don’t understand and am angry and embarrassed and deeply confused – I can’t stop believing in Him or His love and goodness and power.  Is it because of other data – other arguments for or situations in life that seem to “prove” that God is still around and good and powerful?  I guess…a little…maybe.  But more than that – what keeps me hanging on is Jesus.  I just can’t get over Jesus of Nazareth.  In fact, every time I think “I can’t do this God thing anymore”, I see Jesus’ face and his tears and confusion when he was on the earth, when God and how His will was playing out made no sense to him – and how he kept trusting and obeying.  Like at the tomb of Lazarus and when he wept over Jerusalem from the Mt of Olives and not least, in the garden when he begged God as his Abba, his Dada, to protect him…and He didn’t.

And then I hear that same Jesus saying, “Follow me.”  And I look around and there really isn’t anyone…not anyone else worth following.  There’s especially no one who walked through death hanging on to a greater reality than his depression and disappointment and tears about God not coming through, not measuring up and literally leaving him to die alone.  There’s no one who seemingly abandoned by God to death…eventually comes back from the dead.

And so, today…I choose to trust my friend N to the same God Jesus trusted himself to 2,000 years ago.  I don’t understand any more than he did.  Maybe his journey shows me I don’t have to understand.  That sometimes the battle will be so intense and desperate that God won’t make much sense to me, that I won’t understand the Bible, that there won’t be a systematic, formulaic and clear answer to the pain, and that I will be called to hang on, like Jesus, to a greater reality than my deep disappointment.  Like Jesus…who promised to never leave us and to personally stay with us all the way home.  Promised to stay with my friend N…with me…and with you…to give us strength to hang on in our darkest hour…to give us grace to believe that nothing is greater than the love of our God…not even death.