I just don’t understand
I have a close friend [I’ll call her N] who just entered hospice a few days ago. This after months and months of praying, more than once following the clear instruction of Jesus’ half-brother James about the elders and anointing and the prayer of faith that promises to heal the sick. Now…hospice. And I just don’t understand.
Don’t lecture me about “the will of God”. I get it. I understand that every human prayer by default must end with “nevertheless, not my will but Your will be done.” Of course, this might be one of those times when the Father says, “I’ve got another plan. Trust Me.” But lately it feels to me like He has been saying, “I’ve got another plan” a lot…especially when it comes to physical healing.
And don’t even tell me we need more faith. There has been enough faith for a dozen healings. N herself has trusted the Father with a deep, childlike, persistent faith all the way through her illness. And I’ve been in prayer sessions for N where faith was literally dripping from the mouths and hearts of those praying…dripping from the ceiling and the walls and the furniture as the brothers and sisters groaned for the pain of their wounded sister, begging the Father to heal, believing that He could heal and would heal. Don’t…don’t even start with me about more faith.
So, what do I do? And what do those around N do, who love her and love God and base their entire lives on His goodness and power and plan for all of us? Do I stop believing in God? Do I stop believing in His love and goodness? Do I stop believing in His power? I have considered all these options over the years in similar situations that made no sense to me and that angered me and actually, frankly, embarrassed me for my God. I have considered all these options in the past…and have considered them all in this situation with my friend…for about 30 seconds.
Call me naive. Call me gullible. Call me an idiot. But even when I don’t understand and am angry and embarrassed and deeply confused – I can’t stop believing in Him or His love and goodness and power. Is it because of other data – other arguments for or situations in life that seem to “prove” that God is still around and good and powerful? I guess…a little…maybe. But more than that – what keeps me hanging on is Jesus. I just can’t get over Jesus of Nazareth. In fact, every time I think “I can’t do this God thing anymore”, I see Jesus’ face and his tears and confusion when he was on the earth, when God and how His will was playing out made no sense to him – and how he kept trusting and obeying. Like at the tomb of Lazarus and when he wept over Jerusalem from the Mt of Olives and not least, in the garden when he begged God as his Abba, his Dada, to protect him…and He didn’t.
And then I hear that same Jesus saying, “Follow me.” And I look around and there really isn’t anyone…not anyone else worth following. There’s especially no one who walked through death hanging on to a greater reality than his depression and disappointment and tears about God not coming through, not measuring up and literally leaving him to die alone. There’s no one who seemingly abandoned by God to death…eventually comes back from the dead.
And so, today…I choose to trust my friend N to the same God Jesus trusted himself to 2,000 years ago. I don’t understand any more than he did. Maybe his journey shows me I don’t have to understand. That sometimes the battle will be so intense and desperate that God won’t make much sense to me, that I won’t understand the Bible, that there won’t be a systematic, formulaic and clear answer to the pain, and that I will be called to hang on, like Jesus, to a greater reality than my deep disappointment. Like Jesus…who promised to never leave us and to personally stay with us all the way home. Promised to stay with my friend N…with me…and with you…to give us strength to hang on in our darkest hour…to give us grace to believe that nothing is greater than the love of our God…not even death.
I guess that makes me a very frustrated, naive, gullible idiot too. Getting to peak behind the curtain to see why or to more fully understand seems like it would help, but I’m not sure it would. Is there a reason that would satisfy us for all this pain and unhealed illness? I have been weeping since I heard about N on Sunday – a woman of tremendous faith and love for our Saviour – and I’m not sure knowing the “big picture” why would be at all helpful. Why did my daughter have a brain tumor at the age of 4? Why am I in a wheelchair in the prime of my life?? So either I chuck it all or let it drive me to a deeper trust that God does indeed love me and N more than I can understand. It makes me think about when I was a child and my parents would “deny” me something I desperately wanted. Having their understanding would not help me because in my 6 year old heart it would have been the most ridiculous reason I’d ever heard! I think the same for most of this. In our limited perspective, God’s reasons would not satisfy. However, it doesn’t stop me from begging and groaning for healing of the pain I see around me.
And this Prayer of Faith thing . . . currently makes my head hurt.
I don’t know N, her family, or those who have been praying so desperately for her healing. I do know the confusion and pain experienced when a loved one is facing death, and dies. I will pray that N has a safe journey (escorted by Jesus, Christ) home, and that the Holy Sprit will continue to comfort all who love her.
Not sure about the “prayer of faith” that promises to heal the sick and its very hard to wrap my mind around the catch 22 of the “necessity of prayer” coinciding with “Gods sovereign control” but the Holy Spirit laid something on my heart this morning that pertains to this blog. The vision started with thanking Jesus for freeing me from the influence of satan and moved me right into verbally proclaiming my joy in realizing his eternal damnation destiny……….for a new york second I sensed pity but it was instantly overshadowed by one word……..omniscient…..God knew the fall of satan and his remedy…just like he knew all of this (good) stuff AND all of that (bad) stuff…. the beginning and the end of all things….before anything was started. He alone had the chance to say…. IS IT WORTH IT ….”ALL OF THIS, FOR ALL OF THAT?”…..If God chose to go along with his plan, who am I to question….
Reeling from my wife’s recent passing I sometimes question Gods timing but I like the analogy of the 6 year old, understanding the parents perspective…..multiplied by infinity…….I love you….
I just don’t understand and I honestly I extremely hate it!!!! I have seen so much evil that doesn’t make sense in the world that it racks my brain. As I prayed the other night I asked GOD, “Could all this be because some guy ate a fruit a long time ago?” It just didn’t add up.
But one thing that doesn’t add up either is why does GOD love us? Why did GOD put his precious truth in flawed human beings that he knew was going to mess it up? Why does GOD love me so much that without looking he led me to Hope Community Church and put me in the right group of believers for me.
I know we all have pain, and myself included and I have prayed for things that have not happened and I have prayed with you all on things over the years things that have not happened and things that have gotten worse and things that GOD has totally moved awesomely on.
I can’t make sense of prayer or faith or any of this stuff. I thought as a youth foolishly that by 17 years of being a Christian that I should know more than I do, in fact I know less! Which is a good thing.
I wish totally I had super powers, powers to heal all of you because I know all of you. My total fantasy is that I would walk into a hospital and heal everyone in their and raise all the dead. But that isn’t reality. That will never happen.
CHRIST suffered, GOD still suffers and GOD who desires all of us to repent constantly sees souls that he formed and loved, reject him and descend into eternal suffering. GOD has seen and feels all this pain and all this wrath he is our partner in all these sufferings and he is not some guy up in the sky immune from pain, he is not some LORD affair up in a castle. He is a Lord who is with us and who loves us in our pain.
Let us love one another, let us pray and let us be with all of us who suffer. I know one day as it says in the book of Revelation . . GOD will end all this and will take our thousands of years of prayers and abuse and toss them upon the judgement of all the things we all so hate.
Now? What comfort and hope have we in this life on this miserable world? GOD suffering with us, and us loving him and him loving us and us being together. I have suffered alone and it was horrible, now I suffer with you all and it is a blessing.
Do you see why, why I have fallen in love with this ministry!!! I have over the years belonged to word churches that made you feel like, if you don’t get the desired results like, healing, prosperity,answered prayers,etc. that it was some how your fault! You didn’t have enough faith, that you didn’t stick to it long or hard enough. It is sooo good to be free of that bondage! Just to be able to breathe! To love God purely! Without having to work up anything. Now to find a pastor/teacher that has like precious faith and love of God is so incredible to me!!! Where do I. sigh up? I have got to be a part of his ministry. I look forward to meeting with you. Sinceryy, Lori Taylor Graytamr
It was such a blessing to meet you the other day, Lori, at the prison ministry meeting. I look forward to sitting down with you and your husband in the near future to simply share Christ and some encouragement and kingdom vision for our community. Much love…